life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
