Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
