first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
