cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
