Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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