went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
