Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Randomize
