He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
