I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
