Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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