Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm getting married
To pizza
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
