i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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