I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
