Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
