He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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