She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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