Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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