dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
