Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I want her autograph on my taint
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
