Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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