i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
last night I used snow as a chaser
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