Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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