I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
