high people should be assigned attendants
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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