The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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