Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
