If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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