i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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