i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
