I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
