in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
