i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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