I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
