the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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