i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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