i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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