I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
