My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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