sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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