I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
