Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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