it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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