I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
