I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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