So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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