I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
