sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
