You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
someone threw a dead crab at me
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
