I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
