if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
