I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
