Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
