i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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