also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
