If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
