I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize