I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
