i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
