What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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