he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
