Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
two words...techno handjob
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
