if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
