We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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