I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
