I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
