I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
